We Pledge Allegiance To the State of Cook

Memo to the suburban Republicans who would divvy up Cook Countyinto five smaller counties: We have a better idea. Cook County secedes fromIllinois and becomes a separate state. How about that?

The State of Cook. The name has a nice ring to it.

The State of Cook would be small but mighty. With 946 squaremiles in land area and 5.1 million people, it would nearly equal thesize of Rhode Island, with five times more people. It would be halfthe size of Delaware, with nine times the population.

(Cook County has as many people as the rest of Illinois, all ofIndiana, more than Wisconsin, double Iowa. It has 1,000 times morepersonality and flavor than all of the above.)

Cook's natural resources include commerce and entertainment -not to mention three airports. And water. Lots and lots of clear,odor-free Chicago water, which is much sought after by the verysuburbanites who started this "carve up Cook" nonsense with theircomplaining about taxes and unfair representation on the Cook CountyBoard.

A word of warning: Think twice about whether you want to splitfrom Chicago. Together, we could be part of a New World Order!Chicago and Cook County - our own state, free at last from thestranglehold of the Republican Legislature.

First order of business? Tollbooths at the Cook state lines.That should raise plenty of revenue for our Cook state road system.Cook state police radar traps would be another good source of income.We'd have the finest driver's licenses in the land - with flatteringphotos only - and really cool license plates depicting tumbling diceto let the nation know we finally have our own gambling casinos!

Out-of-state fees for parking, cover charges, admissions tomuseums and the like would increase, of course, to improve publictransportation for Cook state residents, who would use beaches andPark District facilities for free on a first-come, first-servedbasis.

Fees imposed on out-of-staters would eliminate the need forproperty taxes paid by Cook state residents. We could switch to anemployment tax, payable by the new out-of-staters as they enter Cookeach day to earn a living.

We could unsaddle ourselves from the Illinois gasoline tax, passa motorcycle helmet law, lower the drunken-driving threshold.

And talk about timing! With Washington about to block-grantsocial programs from welfare to Medicaid, Cook - not Springfield -would administer programs for the poor. Without Springfield to worryabout, how quickly Cook could reform education funding to adequatelyprovide for all its schools, from inner-city Chicago to Flossmoor.

As for those inhabiting the ring around the sovereign state ofCook, those five pesky collar counties that are always complainingabout one thing or another - what about you guys? Are you with us oragin us? Does DuPage want to identify with the urban mecca or throwin its lot with the Downstaters? What about Lake, McHenry and Will?What about our Cook brethren in Palatine, Oak Park and Calumet City?

What's it gonna be, buddies? You in?